You know what really gets up my nose? Those really 'up' people who are so busy living they give no mind to dying.
Not that I am a control freak who has to pre-arrange every minute of my life, 10 years in advance ROD! , but it makes sense that after the age of say- oh- 25 we should be looking ahead to our funerals.
Now I know this is not a topic for polite society, ( like any of my readers fall into THAT category) hence why I am the one to bring you down to reality with a bump!
Let's face it, we spend more time primping and planning for a date on Saturday night than we do planning our final exit!And given the extra challenge of looking our best at that precise time, it's not something you can leave to the relations who probably don't like ya anyway. You just know will dress you all gaudy and likely not even comb your freaking hair!
Think of it like a black wedding, where once again YOU will be the attraction, everyone WILL be looking at you and smearing your make up with their insincere kisses and runny noses. There's fuck all you can do about that, but you can TRY to look good( one last time)!
Well... relatively speaking and providing you have the good fortune of not being too old or decapitated when your 'last dance' is called.
There's so much to do...will you wear black?(only if you are fat and want to b-l-e-n-d into the coffin satin), hair up or down? Red lipstick too much?Yeah, I think we can skip the sensible, comfortable shoes this time.
Not that I am a control freak who has to pre-arrange every minute of my life, 10 years in advance ROD! , but it makes sense that after the age of say- oh- 25 we should be looking ahead to our funerals.
Now I know this is not a topic for polite society, ( like any of my readers fall into THAT category) hence why I am the one to bring you down to reality with a bump!
Let's face it, we spend more time primping and planning for a date on Saturday night than we do planning our final exit!And given the extra challenge of looking our best at that precise time, it's not something you can leave to the relations who probably don't like ya anyway. You just know will dress you all gaudy and likely not even comb your freaking hair!
Think of it like a black wedding, where once again YOU will be the attraction, everyone WILL be looking at you and smearing your make up with their insincere kisses and runny noses. There's fuck all you can do about that, but you can TRY to look good( one last time)!
Well... relatively speaking and providing you have the good fortune of not being too old or decapitated when your 'last dance' is called.
There's so much to do...will you wear black?(only if you are fat and want to b-l-e-n-d into the coffin satin), hair up or down? Red lipstick too much?Yeah, I think we can skip the sensible, comfortable shoes this time.
Now who is going to eulogise you? You know your husband/brother/ungrateful child would fuck up such a momentous catalogue of all your many and unique talents .
Better you do it yourself. Ditto with the obits.Not to be morbid ,BUT you need to
The most important thing though is your tombstone. The last chance to speak your mind. You're not gonna let someone else utter your final words, are you?
Not me!
Now I am thinking.....last words... Funny ? like " NICE shoes! Gucci?" or nasty? " If you can read this then you're standing on my tits!" or the perpetual victim whine? " Told ya I was sick!"
Our very last words MUST be memorable and have an impact for all who walk all over us (as in life) and this is not something we can put off 'til the last moment....or you may be left without a voice.
What would your epitaph say ?
17 comments:
Oooo... interesting (my dad has mentioned before that he'd choose his own, but I haven't done mine yet... will go think about it... and then again, it suddenly seems much more exciting to not even have a body to be buried in; like if you died in action *not sure what; eaten by cannibals in heathen countries, maybe? hehehehe*
A black wedding? I think that means you get to share a coffin with Dracula. How do you feel about neck bites?
I am not really worried about what happens when I shuffle off this mortal coil. It would be nice to have a big New Orleans stylee funeral and clog all the traffic up for miles around.
It would be cool to have the last word on your grave marker , so a list of insults for those that are left behind would be fun
I've already planned mine and paid for it.
Kind of morbid you say
But when there is no one to do it for you, its just like masturbation--you have to do it for yourself.
So mine has to be--End of the line---because I am.
Cremated and spread over the beach or the sea---no worms crawling in my nooks and crannies
I quite like the idea of writing the eulogy. My kids would tell them of the times I made a fool of myself rather than the times I was a superhero. I think I better get started straight away. My stress levels are going up atm as I'm being brought down to earth rather than my usually cheery self.
"Told you I was sick!" Bwa ha ha ha.
I'm with you on this one. I don't care so much about what is said at the funeral because let's face it, as much as I'd like to think it will be remembered, it won't.
The tombstone... entirely different story. I'll have to think about that one.
ubermouth...fab post. I like the one that read...If youcan read this you are standing on my tits. hehehe, that one was cool.
I was in a cemetary and saw Mel Blanc's (voice of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig) tombstone, it read..."That's All Folks!" NOw that is a Fab tombstone.
Let me see...What to put on my tombstone? That's a hard one...Huh? No, no, I was just thinking.
I guess I'd have to go with the old Spiky standard when leaving...Ciao babes.
ha..that was a fun post, Ciao babes.
What is your fascination with Steph about? Because she reminds you of your imaginary friend? And why do you let people get in your head so easily?
It's the internet darling...none of it is real.
Eve- The problem with dying in action is that , while glamorous, it's freaking painful!
Bananas- Well, I do have atooth fetish!
Beast- I like the way you think!
Especialy if there was amajor accident and you were responsible for tons of ppl dying too,- think of the media coverage! Quite a coup for a cadaver to pull off.
Clyde- You make me feel empathetic enough to marry you. Does that make you feel better about your situation? :)
Fumblings- But would it be funny or serious?
Spiky- Your ciao babes is very bouncy too, so that would be very uplifting! I do like your 'That was hard one'- ownder if May West thought to put that on hers?
Staci- please be a troll!
My fascination with Barbie is or should be obvious! I let ppl into my head because, ya know, some ppl deserve to be in my head. Tey usually run away screaming and scarred though. Would you like a peek?
Bag- Sorry, I missed you somehow.
Why are you not your cheery self?
P. S Never trust kids with obits of eulogies- they hardly ever mention ones sexual prowess!
Now, I may just take you up on your offer--
Ooops, sorry Rod
I have no problems with my situation.
I suppose the only disappointment is not one headstone for any of my family, so no one will know that we were here.
Unless of course, I donate some money to the local Government to build a public toilet---I can see it now---Clyde's Memorial Dunny
"Dance on my grave and I will haunt you forever"!!
I want Fingers to give my Eulogy.
Clyde- email me the proposed ring and we'll talk. You make agood case for burial as opposed to cremation. You need to buy a family crypt( even if it will be empty)Do your part in wasting land for the dead, squeezing out the living.
Barbie- THOSE are your final words?
Will you be buried with all your shoes?
If you wnat to Fingers to bang on about'she bangs' you know you will have to bang him!
i am planning on not having a funeral or wake...i will be cremated and the person who is to take care of scattering them, knows where and to do it soon...the end is the end...nothing more to it...
Daisy- and will this person do it, though?
doesn't really matter...i will be dead...however they are very dedicated and would make sure it was done...no pomp and ceremony for me...been to too many funerals in my day to want that...have to go to one friday for a friend who died monday...it gets weary...i know that probably sounds awful but i do make sure i say what i want to say to people when they are alive...i don't regret that way...but some have the whole rigamaroll and well you have to walk in the parade, so they say...
Daisy- I know what you mean! When my Uncle died, the whole village turned out, the church was full . IT was like a circus. I would HATE that for myself and we didn't do that for my Granddad. We had a 'family & close friends only' funeral which is best.
I am convinced people go out of obligation only and it's a burden. Although not half the burden of having to attend your own funeral, I would suspect.
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