It's Like I'm Carrie Bradshaw Except.......

Except, I can't write. I don't have a mantrap of a Manhattan apartment, my friends are actually bitches, I don't have the wardrobe or shoes......or Mr. Big....
It's like I'm not Carrie Bradshaw at all, come to think of it!

My oldest friend and I once were having a conversation about the popularity behind the hit show Sex and The City.

Allyson said," You know it is popular because they represent four different types of women and all women see themselves as one of them."

"Really?" I asked" I wonder who I am?" I was thinking along the lines of Miranda the lawyer type or Carrie( without the big nose, of course)

Without even skipping a fucking heart beat she replied, " Oh , you are definitely Samantha!"

I was shocked.

"I hate that over sexed, loud mouthed ,ballsy woman"said I, expecting her to recant.

She laughed and said something lame like Samantha being a take charge kind of person who blah, blah fucking blah.....

The bitch was OFF my Christmas list! Friends are soooooo over-rated.

Just to bring Rod into the frame , as people in love tend to annoyingly do .....
He has ALL the Sex in The City series on DVD AND Friends! How cool is that?
He also * get this* collects women's gemstone rings( for investment purposes) *orgasm*

Oh, Rod who read the last post before he flew to Switzerland for business ,( we will see if he remembers to bring me the Swiss chocolates that I demanded politely hinted I would like) told me I am supposed to mention he has an enormous penis the next time I post about him.

" I am NOT your pimp nor your P.R !" I reminded him not too shyly.

Gee, maybe I am like Samantha.

Now for that burning question for the girls,but Clyde may answer too. :)

Who do you most resemble from Sex In The City?
And remember: You are not ALL Carrie Bradshaws!

Guys? Who would you date from that show?

Rod! You are not allowed to answer that.

My Upcoming Blog Birthday

To make sure you have plenty of notice AND no excuses like Christmas, Valentine's and my REAL birthday ( June 6th, don't forget!) I am giving you plenty of time to prepare to surprise me with GENEROUS out pourings of presents and cashola.

How's that for thinking of others before my own selfish needs?

And Rod thinks me a 'high maintenance narcissist'! So unappreciative of all that is ME me, me , me , me!!!

On March 7th, I will have been blogging a whole year and what a year it has been.

With all the stalkers, assassins, fame killers ,hijackers and 'friends', it's a wonder I am still alive let alone blogging. Who would believe this lil' blog could cause so much mayhem?

I have had 2 relationships with fellow bloggers( MEN! in case you were wondering) and whilst one STILL writes the most horrendous UNTRUE lies about me , the other one is my darling.

Recently, I said to him" I am finding it hard to be funny with all this shit going on."

"Yo bitch!" he said," You get in there and write a funny post!"

You just can't buy that kind of support.

You have heard me mention Rod. The strangest part of this relationship is that we met back in November when I was being publicly vilified( I know ME, me, me,me Hard to believe eh?). So one could say that if the last guy was not so nasty, I would not have met the most spectacular guy I have ever met!

Rod makes me laugh hysterically!He can be really sweet, caring, sensitive and wise and then come out with a zinger!

One conversation went like this:

Uber: Do you REALLY think me high maintenance?

Rod: yes.

Uber: Wow! really??? I thought you were joking!

Rod: No.

Uber: But WHY do you think I am high maintenance?

Rod: I think you are high maintenance because you ARE high maintenance.

Uber: Do you think I am a narcissist?

Rod: Yes sweetie, you are a narcissist too.

Uber: Gee, why do you even love me then?

* He had not said he did in fact, I just assumed- being a narcissist.

Rod: Because you are high maintenance and a narcissist in cute ways, so I don't mind.

Uber: I am kinda lazy too . Will you hire a cleaner when we live together?

Rod:Yes.

Uber: Who will feed me though, as I don't like to cook?

Rod: I will feed you.

Uber: Will you pay for all the bills? I don't want any pressure ....

Rod: Yes

Uber: Why would you do that?

Rod: I pay all the bills now.

Uber: Would you buy my cigarettes?

Rod: NO!

* you know what non smokers are like!

Uber: How will I get cigarettes?

Rod: You will have to sell your body!

Uber: ha! ha! ha!

Rod:Besides, you are going to give that up.

Uber: Oh no I am FUCKING NOT! YOU are going to start smoking.

Rod: I am NOT going to start smoking.

Uber: True. We need to keep your lungs nice and pink and healthy.

Rod: Yes.

Uber: I may need one.

Rod: You WANT one of my lungs?????

Uber: Well, both actually. I didn't want to sound greedy.

He always agrees with me about who is a bitch here, likes my real friends, agrees with me about my Mother, is loyal , honest, HOT and protective of me.

He PREFERS I do all the talking as he likes to listen.

He is practically flawless- we are such a perfect match!

I am going to fuck this up , aren't I?

Blantant Rip Off For Lazy People

We have all heard of Post a Secret , right?

That's where you can cleanse your soul , for the price of a stamp, to post an anonymous secret that you have no non-judgemental, non- gossipy friends to tell.

This is where I come into the frame.
Saving you the price of a stamp AND the walk to the post box, I am now ripping off that guy who will probably sue me, cuz I just know one of you bastards are going to run right over there and tell him, anonymously no doubt!!!

Want to get anything off your chest( preferably about another blogger) without judgement?

You can post anonymously , confident that you won't be judged or ridiculed about your sick, dirty fucking secrets that no person could ever handle the stress of hearing.

Free ,Limited time offer.

* All lies will be exposed!

How To WIN Any Fight With A Woman

Now that I have the ADD attention of the men here- there ISN"T any way you can win ANY fight with a woman!

For a small fee though, I can help you out of the holes you always seem to want to dig yourselves into.

First off, NEVER fight with a woman. That's what other men are for!Well, yes in 'theory' they are also there to drink beer with and watch football with, but those are the means to make YOU fight!Otherwise you would get along, go shoe shopping and BE girls!

If your woman is mad at you, just accept two obvious, universal laws:

* It's ALWAYS your fault! ESPECIALLY when you don't 'think' it is.

* You DO have to grovel, or she will hold out like forever( especially if she is a redhead, we're 'meaner' than regular girls)

You have to know the difference between 'good grovelling' and 'obsessive stalking.'It's an art.We will teach you.

Never , ever , if she says, " I do not think we should continue!" respond with ' Okay , if that is what you want' if you EVER want to hear from her again!

Her ' I don't think we should continue' in girl speak, means * JERK ALERT * Prove to me QUICKLY why I should bother with you anymore, Numbskull.

Do not make the mistake of thinking you can give her space, respect her wishes or outwait her.

You have exactly the time it takes her to eat a 2 litre tub of Ben and Jerry's Mocha Chocolate ice cream to come running with profuse apologies. Don't miscalculate how quickly a really PISSED OFF girl can eat ice cream! Pig at a trough!

She will remain faithful for as long as Ben and Jerry comfort her, and then it's onto the next guy who is waiting with big shouldrs to cry on AND he WILL always agree with her on what a bastard you are/were!

And don't kid yourself, there are always men like that waiting in the wings. In fact, isn't that how YOU met her? Recall what you said about the last guy, while she cried on your shoulders?

I rest my case!

Men stay married longer by accepting these golden relationship rules and taking their need to ALWAYS be right out on each other.

Road rage.... Drunken brawls......Hooliganism ....get it, yet?

Besides, men who want to argue the point with women or refuse to grovel are deemed to be losers in bed ! Who wants to fight with your man when there are better things to do to pass the time? Although, not with you- if you keep this up, Mister!

Think about it-you'll thank me later.

Damn, I'm almost out of ice cream!

Wacko Jacko is Backo

Lock up your little boys, the 'noseless one' is coming to the U.K!

He is being paid 15 million to do what he does second best.

Christ! Seems to me the quickest route to either being a rock star or marrying one( aka One legged Mills) is to lose a body part!

I don't understand why they get paid so much dosh to prance around making fools out of themselves long after middle age has set in,their voices have gone flat and the new generation don't even know who the fuck they are!

I would gladly do Wembley for half that...a quarter!

I even come with a nose AND I am more likely to remember the lyrics to his songs( not to be all snotty for having a nose, you understand.)

Well, atleast Jacko will fit in over here with his birka.

As our home grown resident pedo , What's- his-face Townsend ,lives near me I shall case his joint and let you know if I see any noseless birkas in the area, suddenly having wild pre teen partays!

Now don't get me wrong, I used to like Michael Jackson WHEN HE WAS MICHAEL JACKSON! ,but this Peter Pan pedo just gets on my nerves.

Remeber the days when he was given a lifetime achievement, humanitarian, nobel fucking peace prize for his song about saving the fucking children? THAT'S not saving the children!

That's like saying that O.J was serving the community with his'charitable acts' involving Ronald Goldman and Nicole Simpson.

Or Bush and Blair were 'helping to free the Iraqi people'.

Thanks for that, by the way.

It seems to me that,as long as you have the money, you can get away with all kinds of murder and mayhem while someone decent like me is castigated over NOTHING!

Life is so unfair- I want to rape and pillage and murder and cause wars too and then get plumb positions as an ambassador AND make millions singing ,when I am not too busy raping and pillaging and murdering and causing wars.

There's something infinitely wrong with a world when only a select few get to have all that fun, and the rest of us poor shmucks only get to 'blog'.

If I wasn't so incredibly lazy, I would google where Jacko is going to be and then I would go with a megaphone ( like I would even NEED one) and shout him the fuck off stage! Then, if I wasn't arrested as a terrorist threat, for 'insulting the pedo' ALLEGED pedo *sigh*, then I could race back and have something to blog about.

OR I could do what all you other blogheads do, and LIE about it! :)

Daisy? Why does Wacko even have those kids in his care still?

Telephone Chat With A 6 Yr. Old

Calling my brother in Canada the other night, I was shoved off onto my delightful 6 year old niece. *waves to Bootsy*

Uber: Hello Bootsy.
Boo: Hi, Auntie Uber
Uber: You had a birthday recently didn’t you Bootsy?
Boo: Yes
Uber: And how old are you now?
Boo: Six
Uber: Wow! That’s kinda old! So! Do you have a job yet?
Boo: *chuckles* No!
Uber: Why not? That’s kinda lazy, don’t you think?
Boo: I am only six years old!
Uber:Well, THAT’S no excuse! What do you do ALL day, as you are NOT working?
Boo: I go to school.
*When her older sister went to school and she was jealous, her parents LIED to her and told her daycare WAS school.I’m not sure if they ever revealed to her that they were BIG, FAT LIARS but nevermind…..

Uber: School or day care?
Boo: Both. First I go to daycare, then school then back to day care blah blah blah
Uber:Wow ! I guess you are too busy to have a job, aren’t you?
Boo: Yes (succinct, not like me)
Uber: But next year you will be in Grade 1 and not be going to day care right?
Boo: Right
Uber: Then you will have time for an after school JOB!
Boo: -silence-
Uber: So how old is Naomi now?
Boo: ten

Uber: Wow that must be nice to have an older sister. Does SHE have a job yet?
Boo: No
Uber: So, does Ally ( her younger sister) have a job?

Boo: SHE’S ONLY ONE!!!!
Uber: Well, I guess SHE can be forgiven then……..


Background talking….

Boo: Daddy, Auntie Uber says I have to get a job! Is she serious?
Boo’s Daddy: No, she’s playing with you. I told you she is the funny one in the family - keep talking to her.

Boo: Hi Auntie Uber.
Uber: Yeah, I was just funning you about a job. So, it’s my birthday soon! Have you bought me a present yet?
Boo: I don’t have ANY money……
Uber: You see, now if you had a job………….
Boo: Bye Auntie Uber. I am putting you back to daddy now!!!!

* Boy they learn fast!

The TRUE Spirit of Valentine's Day

Well, it seems that I have to be the HONEST one again and S-P-E-L-L out the truth behind the 'Just tell me you love me and skip the capitalist's chocolates, honey' FALSE sentiments!

Of course we all SAY such loving endearments as that ( and that no, honey size does NOT matter) but WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Size most definitely DOES matter, and NO !!! 4 inches is NOT monstorous in ANYONE'S EYES!

Do we expect flowers , chocolates, expensive gadgets for Valentine's Day?

Of course we DO, you half wit! Do you expect S-E-X after the honeymoon or did you REALLY marry us for our brains and personality?

DUH!

What MEN are unable to wrap their heads around is this concept....

When we say'Oh honey, don't bother with buying me a birthday, Christmas, Mother's day, Valentine's gift" we are just disguising our lil' gold digging hearts because YOU EXPECT us to say such shite ,as we expect you to ignore such requests like you do the rest of the non holiday days when we request you to 'take out the garbage' , 'pick this up' ....'kill that'....

Cottoning on yet,Dilbert?

Two days before Valentine's Day, we are salivating over the chocolate that we can all ready taste melting in our mouths. We are accessorizing our whole wardrobe with that diamond pendant we are expecting, and giddy on the thoughts of champagne, you lunkhead.

Homeade cards that you make with your grotty hands, romantic?

FUCK OFF! Are we in Grade 3?


I HATE the way men walk around FEIGNING they do not GET what women want!!!

Thanks for asking- I shall save you the trouble of THINKING and tell you EXACTLY what women want-

WE WANT:

1/Richer husbands , for one thing!
2/Cash
3/Diamonds
4/Sports cars
5/Expensive, exotic holidays with a sexy man ( while YOU stay home with the kids)
6/YOU to deal with our mothers ,BUT nicely get her off our backs, you insenstive clod.
7/ Chocolates( read:EXPENSIVE but lots)
8/ Flowers( and NOT those wilted fuckers from the petrol station)
9/ Sexy NON Hooker lingerie that actually fits anyone over 14 years old AND makes us look 20 lbs thinner.

* IT exists- FIND IT!

Is that so much to fathom? Are we THAT complicated? Did you really think that we were so mercenary?

Now remember, IF any girl here says anything along the lines of" That f*&^!!?? Ubermouth is a shallow bitch who does not speak for all women. I don't expect anything honey-you are present enough." She is LYING to make herself look good at an honest girl's, like me, expense. ...as she hoovers down the chocolates without saving you even ONE!

And you know that as soon as you leave we are going to compare notes with ALL of our friends!

And while we are at it, we ALWAYS tell ALL our friends your penis size the MINUTE you fall asleep! INTERNATIONAL FACT!

Wow! With an attitude like that, it's a wonder men flock to me ,isn't it? Which only proves the old adage 'men love bitches', I type from my recently acquired laptop!

So there you have it- What Women Want!

Happy Valentine's day Girls!
Isn't love great???

PS Rod- I can ALL READY taste the Swiss chocolates and hear the tick tocking of the Swiss cuckoo clock that you are bringing me back from Switzerland. :)

I adore you! Thank you! More please!You are a sweetie. Now,pass the jewels.

Death for Cannabis users.

It is clear that cannabis is a despicable drug. I know this as I know night follows day, or is it the other way around, wow, way out man. Anyway, NO DOUBT at all exists in my mind that cannabis is the seed of all evil. Satans spawn. Corrupting minds to an extent they have no morals never mind the laws of the land. No matter how stupid those laws actually are.

Jackart does a post on legalising drugs which is BULLSHIT it's based on made up facts which bear a similarity to government statistics on just about everything. Nothing against Jackart he has just been fed duff data as fact and has based his assumptions on that.

He talks about 25% of young people have taken drugs. Name them!!!! Go on Jackart I bet you can't name even half of them.

However I can easily name the fuckwits I know who take drugs and lose their minds. It makes them lie, steal, manipulate and they have no fucking common sense at all.

There were once people behind the shells they are now. Most went to public school and had good futures ahead of them. Then it seems that just taking ONE, Yes ONE puff of a joint has changed their lives completely. Seems at least one did not even participate but instead was just in the same house and using hypnosis or osmosis or something it turned him into a despicable and widely hated man. You all know who I am referring too. Dr John Reid our old Home Secretary who had cannabis found in his house but denied ever using it. We all know that he was being totally honest about that just like everything else he ever said. WINK WINK John. Of course being so saintly the law obviously agreed with him as he was never charged.

The rest of the FUCKWITS can be found just by looking in the cupboard. Or is that cabinet over here? The main one, the shadow one and the one that is so shadowy than nobody ever hears from it accept for spooky noises every now and again and the odd escapee whittering insanely.

So based on the fact that the biggest number of known partakers of Satans spawn are clearly total FUCKWITS OF THE FIRST ORDER. Based of course on the fact that I actually know no users whatsoever except for the number of politicians who admit taking it, even if it is only one puff. That is the largest test group I know. Most have been privately educated in the best schools. Came out with at a minimum GCSEs when they were actually worth something yet every single one of them can't chose the right option from two choices on a multiple choice quiz. They have no moral compass at all and fiddle their expenses, allegedly, worse than some sales people I know and they actually believe they are doing no wrong. THAT IS HOW FUCKED UP THEY ARE?

Well we all know what our hypocritical FUCKWITS will do don't we on this reclassification of cannabis. As usual their minds are made up and the report is not even typed yet.

In the meantime go read Jackarts post. A very well thought out and reasoned piece on legalising drugs.

DISCLAIMER : I do know some people that have taken cannabis. NO NOT ME OFFICER. and the only people it fucked up were fucked up well before they started taking it.

Anywhere enough of this it stresses me out. Where is my roach clip? ......... Aaaahhhhhhhh! Cool man.

Breaking News from The U.K

I have gone DOT COM!!!!
Do you recall that I had to hang up ( was FORCED , against my better nature really)on a certain someone we shall call 'Rod', last week?
Well, let me tell you ' be mean to keep 'em keen' is TRUE! He has bought me my own Ubermouth domain which he will be setting up immediately ( WON"T YOU?) which also has an ubermouth.com email account. Now I feel all p.c savvy although I will have to get him to explain a domain again because I forgot. :(

Now, unfortunately, I probably have to be all nice and gooey-like or he may take away my domain and I have to keep saying...' You are such a dick! Oh wait! Am I still a dotcom?'

I am thinking I should SELL Ubermouth .com email accounts to people and build my own little cult following.Won't you ALL be my devoted acolytes? We could be like an exclusive Ubermouth Brady Bunch clan- but meaner!and take over the world!
Of course, you will all have to rely on my being able to maintain 'nice' to Rod in order to keep getting your mails. And you know what I am like......

Other news.... Our MY beloved Barbie is about to fly the blog coupe after only a handful more posts! We can't have that! I won't have that! You must all traipse over there EVERY DAY and beg, cajole, threaten , bribe her not to go!

Spare no dignity and leave no pressure tactics untried. Blogland without Barbie is like Courtney Love sans heroin. Barbie is OUR 'opiate for the masses' and we can't get on without her. Not to mention the whole blogosphere would collapse without her.Seriously, I am not being dramatic! So go on........... what are you still even doing here???

Shelly Rayedeane is back in the saddle after a year of hassles with our resident trolls.

Daisy is lying when she says that John Travolta prefers her to me!!! No longer trust Daisy! People like HER use cute puppy pics to gain street cred and then lie their pug faces off.I won't tell you what John said about HER but put it this way......I believe it( and I don't believe a thing out of anyone's mouth- not even my own!)

S.O @24 is our resident hottie and you will never believe what!!!! Going from only a few readers when I first 'discovered' him, he now has a huge groupie base AND is nominated for an award for 20 something bloggers. Do go over and vote for Starting Over@24 in the Best Relationship blog category... or I may have to punch your lights out or something. :).

And while we are mentioning my favourite people.... have you been to Nourishing Obscurity? Do you know James Bond? That's HIM! For real! Would I lie to you? Haven't you heard I AM honest through and through?

I have a real soft spot for James and his blog, which he writes from Russia With Love.It's an intellectual blog( but NOT boring at all, like some people's I know) with all sorts of words I kan' t undiestand,but the ones I do get are gr8. Great perspective to read about life in the former Soviet Union, too. There's something infinitely HOT about him . Shame he hates me.

And now on to the people I HATE!!!!!!!

Where ARE Ian Fuckwit and, as Barbie likes to call her, Va-Gina? I haven't heard from them for days! Fucking slackers! Have you seen the fake profile they have put up of me? hahahahaha!
I'm ALMOST FAMOUS now AND taking numbers!

Everyone loves a bitch..... except NOT YOU!

* Of course James Bond doesn't hate me. Clearly that was a joke- I mean , really, who could? Did I ask you????