An Uber Good Bye

Changing life circumstances mean that I no longer have the time to blog.

I have met some really terrific and inspiring friends here and have had, in my opinion, the coolest readership and the chance to hang out at the best of blogs.

It's been quite the experience.

I want to thank everyone for their support of this nomadic blog.

Due to breaks- ins by trolls who also broke into Shelly's and created a lot of trouble for her, even re- opening her account after she left, commenting as if they were her, I want to warn people that these 'friends of Crushed's' may attempt to do the same thing with the Ubermouth name once I have left.Should you see any comments anywhere after this posting, they will not be made by me.

I would like to leave you with some of my favourite blogs for you to enjoy :

*Nourishing Obscurity*- James Higham is probably the most prolific , intelligent and well written blogger on the sphere. His blog is a 'thinking man's' blog. With several posts daily, I visited often and each post was like a little gift I eagerly awaited. I was fortunate enough to get to know the author of this blog quite well, and we went through quite a bit together. Two misunderstood souls were we, I shall carry a piece of this 'white knight' with me, in my heart forever.

Soul Meets World- This blog's spiritual healing was, at times, my chicken soup for the soul. Again, I was fortunate enough to be able to call Alexys my friend. She is a kindred spirit who proved to be a calm voice and true friend. Her blog truly is one of a kind ,as is it's authoress.

Muchadoaboutsumthin'- Everyone knows our true 'Queen of Comedy', my beloved Barbie.Much like with Clyde, it was her writing , when she was 1 of 2 blogs I visited, that inspired me to write my own. Wacky happenings aside,I loved the generosity of spirit she displayed when she shone her bright light on other lesser known bloggers . This inspired me to do the same, for that truly is the spirit of blogging.
She will forever be my Barbie.

Captain Smack- Although this blogger left the blog scene last Christmas, I want to draw your attention to a post that left me trembling in awe. His post How To Start Your Own Religion, which won Blog Power's 2007 Best Post of All Time, established him as a comedic and literary genius.It remains the best thing I have ever read on the net.

With his famous Elvis and Jesus chats, his departure was a true loss to the sphere. I am not sure that the sphere will ever see such talent again.

'Mutley The Dog's Day Out'-This is one blog that I truly adore along with it's soft, kind -hearted blogger behind the blog . Mutley's blog is the best in zany British humour with a really unique voice. You can't miss this blog!

Spiky's 'Bit Player Reflects'- Spiky's blog is the erotic writings of a bubbly, passionate lesbian whose readership, funnily enough, is mainly comprised of straight girls.That in itself says a lot.

Spiky is also one of my favourite readers here. She is so supportive, sweet and refreshingly genuine. Who could not love this gal?

Daisy's 'After The Lawnmower Shop'-Full of feel good humour and fuzzy animal pics, this girl takes the time to find us the best on the web,so that we can all share. I bequeath her my time share with John. :)

* This blog is for private readers only.

Look At This N*****-Sarge is a very sweet ,lovable guy with a wry sense of humour,which he brings to a potpourri of topics. The delightful surprise in this blog is that it just happens to be written by a very funny guy rather than him aiming to be .

Our Gal Pru-Another comedienne, Pru is original, witty , wacky and also an accomplished poet. Usually people just can't be THIS funny unless they are slightly insane. One thing I have noticed in my time in the comedy circuit here , is that comedy writers are the most supportive and appreciative of each other's writing than any other bloggers. All bloggers could take a cue from them and gals like Pru

The Cunning One- This man can write satire and has wit to spare! One only need look at his av .Cunning is my lil' popcorn eater whose style of warped humour runs along the lines of my own. Much appreciated.He is going to be H-U-G-E!

The Rest Is Still Unwritten-Diamond should be a professional writer. He has great style and form. I especially love posts about his love for his dog, Diesel.The original, but loveable geek, he's very clever hence I never miss a post.

Clyde By The Sea- A prolific blogger- without- a -blog, until last March, Clyde had an adoring audience prior to opening his blog doors. This is a woman friendly, fun blog. His real -life stories are what I hope he will grace us with in th future, Clyde!! My first ever reader , I was thankfully his , too. Great guy.Great blogger.

Baht At- Baht At is proof positive that one can be BOTH a villian AND a superhero, depending on which side of his poison- dipped font you are on. He is a modern day Robin Hood, a seeker of truth and justice,who has courage, wit, charm , who is no doubt a genius , hilarious and most of all DEADLY , as the B.P admin recently found out. He went in , over a moral issue, massacred them all infront of their flunkies, and was the first to vote himself out when ,in an emperor- has-no -clothes moment ,he was nominated for eviction instead of given the f****ing medal he deserved. Another misunderstood fellow, he really ought to put his talents to good use,heading up the opposition party in parliament.

Bag's Rants-This is a political rant blog that is right to the point, usually dead on and with a twist of dry humour thrown in. It's an overview of the worst of the U.K politics . A much needed, informative blog, Bag lets us know what's going on around us in no uncertain terms.He's every politico's nightmare.

Well, that's where your Uber has been hanging out on the sphere. I hope that you will have a look and enjoy some of these top blogs as much as I have.

And as my favourite comedienne Carol Burnett would say, ' I'm so glad we had this time together, just to have a laugh and sing a song, but it seems that just as we get started comes the time we have to say- so long.'

*Tugging on ear*

Good bye everybody!

Ubermouth xo

Back By Popular Demand[sic]

I bet you all thought I had f****d off, didn't you? Did you save me a drink of the ole' bubbly?

I have been ill, for those of you who were hoping for worse. I closed my blog as I have a troll who has been into my blog boudoir!Ever so concerned that they may write something nasty and offensive to my readers, I thought a chastity belt was in order.

All is well !I am back ! Sycophant me!

You too, Rod who has to learn the fine art of grovelling and begging for forgiveness or no *********** for you! EVER!

I Have Found Myself!

Lately , I have been wondering....

Why?

Why do we blog? Well, I know you guys blog because you're fucked up, no one wants to know you and you have no lives (pardon my French)...........which only leaves........

Why do I blog?

I mean, I hate you all, everyone I have met here is a backstabbing nutter and anything would be more amusing than watching the WWF antics of B.P.....so

WHAT THE F*** AM I DOING HERE?

And then traipsing around the blog swamp, I discovered the meaning of life....okay, blogging........but to 3/4's of you that IS life!

I found the ME I was supposed to be!! Seriously!

My parallel universe with me living the alternate life I was meant to lead, had I stayed in school , become a lawyer and grown cynical.....in the proper,more -financially- rewarding order!

She's mouthy, a redhead, a lawyer, British , has a baby AND a boytoy.

It's ME had I taken the other fork in the road.

BITCH is living MY life! No 'excuse me','do you mind', 'thank you'- 'I appreciate it', nothing......oooh, better be careful ( I'm a lawyer in that life and would sue anyone- probably even me) OH! I do that in THIS life, too...

And I got stuck with HER crappy life;the mother and rescue dog....and nutter.

I am HER had she dropped out of school....married a dick....spend far too much time in 'bed'...

So THIS is what 'THEY' mean by 'finding yourself',parallel universe and all that other shyte that makes my head hurt.

*presses face against glass screen* *knocks on monitor*

HEY!!!! YOU stole my LIFE, you Bitch!

This is creepy, and I am not sure I even like her/me.

Now I feel a compulsion to watch the other me ,making ME a spectator in MY own, better, life.

'Lippy' doesn't know she exists over here as Ubermouth. *She's gonna fucking freak when she finds out!!!! * lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala*

She's just obliviously, selfishly enjoying MY life, lunching with MY friends, walking MY dog, f****ing MY boyfriend*probably* flauntingly so, right under my very nose!

She's , no doubt,stuffing my fat face right now without any fucking regard for my thighs.

No wonder I have to dance my ass off,yet hardly eat anything!

And you think we are just here to blog???? singularly....

The blogosphere is a doppelganger Hell we can't escape!!!

If I run into another Crushed, I am going to kill myself.

BOTH OF ME's!

Introducing...

Naturally , as I am one with great taste( just look at the blogs I roll) I like to spread the wealth.

I have made a new blog friend that I have to introduce you to. He fits all the requirements that I like. He is mouthy, brilliant, HILARIOUS , an asshole ( sorry, don't war on my blog) and shakes things up! I so love warped people.

I met him, funny enough, when a certain nutter was featuring me on his blog again(the silver lining?I have replaced the Pope and that's nothing to sniff about ) and Baht At was making comments that were being deleted quicker than...well...mine!

After a few scant mails between us, he ERRONEOUSLY referred to me as 'probably insane' by association and then ,realizing he had totally misread me recanted ( without me even having to slug him) with a downgrade to ~high maintenance~ grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

I think this Rant Queen has found her King... and this seems to be my crown, judging by today's mail:

To: Ubermouth

From:Baht At
'I simply joined the mailing list – the idiots hadn’t set it up properly!

I was browsing a t-shirt site and found this one '

http://www.shotdeadinthehead.com/products/info.php?products_id=61

I soooooooooooooooo love oddballs! They really are the spice of life.

He has written up that sinking, rusty ol'e tub of fools, B.P in the most brilliant roasting I have ever seen and is now probably even more despised by them than me. Impressive! Go read this masterpiece( and insert Crushedbyingsoc for the ***** which for some reason seems to have been removed). YES! I insist and then come back here ,where I will be auctioning off this misanthrope's mobile number...

Speaking of self- fellating nobodies.....

.......in a whitewash to prevent members learning that their Admin are a mixed baag of nutters, scoundrels and vagabonds, Ian 'Saddam' Grey has *cough "resigned" *cough* from BP over a scandal that has been hushed up B.P style...again!!! The sequel to Ian's very own whitewashing when he ousted founder, James Higham, in a bloody ,behind-the-back Christmas coup that would have shamed Saddam Hussein. The 'Defender of the Blogosphere' then threatened James with a lawsuit a la Crushed style when James dared print the more credible version on his blog.

I so LOVE bloody-handed,unscrupulous, f***ers like this getting their comeuppance, don't you?

Makes one all misty-eyed believing that maybe there is a hint of justice in the world, after all.

Driving In The U.K

This silly woman has finally passed her drivers test in the UK, after 27 years of lessons, 20 instructors and failing 12 prior times.

Clearly this woman is not fit to drive in this life time or more importantly ON ANY ROADS I MAY BE ON!!!!

Now I don't deny that acquiring a British drivers licence is more difficult to get than a Canadian one. This is not because they have more strident guidelines ,obviously. It's because half their signs are like a Benny Hill skit. Now given the British humour, when I first moved here nearly a decade ago ( S.O.S- GET ME OUT OF THIS BACKWATER) ,I thought half the signs were to amuse bored drivers. Given their humour and all...

Like little ducks waddling in a row or, my favourite, two stooped,old crumblies shuffling along with their walking canes. Boy, did I laugh!! I assumed it was a ' if you see any of these do the NHS a favour and SPEED UP!' sign. Turned out it was a' sign that indicated a nursing home was in the area and old c.o.bs(crusty old bastards) were likely to suddenly dart(???) across the busy motorway.... and yes, we were NOT supposed to treat them like speed bumps.

Now they tell me!!!!

I was taught to drive at the ripe old age of 28 by my ex husband( he was good for something, then) who was a professional driver. I ,therefore,drive like a guy. I learned simple tricks like ALWAYS go at least 20 miles over any given speed limit or you're a girl...never follow too closely behind a convey to avoid multi -car pile ups( why I overtake EVERYBODY)....and yes! putting mascara and make up on in the car IS okay as long as you twirl , curl , and lip gloss at the red lights.( that's what the red lights and mirror are for. FACT!)

Of course, this I learned myself after ending up on a sidewalk and nearly losing an eye by lethal mascara wand.

I love driving along the rustic country lanes of the U.K( when I am not drag racing Ferrari's on the A3- London to Portsmouth Road at 3 am going 140 mph)

I won! Of course. Or he may just have given up thinking 'this woman is fucking crazy'.

I love speed.

I shall never forget my first speed trap. I was going 100 on a dead motorway at 2 am when I whizzed past a cop with a speed gun pointing right at me.I reckoned, 'I can't fake I wasn't speeding,but I DO have the edge.'

1. By the time he gets into his car and out of the lay-by I can be sooo gone!

2. He doesn't likely know the slip roads as well as me.

I did what any self respecting driver would- I sped up to 115 mph to get to the off- shoot F-A-S-T and then disappeared with lights momentarily off ( well they did it in the war!) and was no more than an apparition.

Rule 1- Only speed late at night when you own the road.

Rule 2- If you're going to speed- SPEEEEEEEEEED FFS!

[but only when you are risking your own life only, otherwise you're a jerk]

* I have never lost a single point from my licence and never been given a speeding ticket.

My dream car/porn:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqFcFBNFY34

More Threats From Ingsoc

Crushed has left a new comment on your post "Promises": http://www.st-philips.com/StPhilips/web/site/home/Members/PaulFarrer.aspMybrief, Ubermouth.You will be served with a writ next week, just as you always asked for.Paul has asked for me to save any comments you leave at my site.We are going for the full hog- we're going to try get you sent down.Coment at my blog again, you add to to the proesecution case.

Dear Fuck Face,

I only recall asking you to leave me alone and not show my pics around!!!!

Well, it seems that Joe Dollin aka Crushedbyingsoc of Droitwich, Worcester has once again seen fit to threaten me when I dare comment at his blog of lies and hate.

When initial threats of violence and death, sending prison buddies up to slash mine and my 65 year old mother's face didn't work, nor sending around sexually graphic pics on the net of me, along with my home county location and real name did not intimidate me off sphere, he has brought out the TIN POT legal team!

I don't mean to make light of the threats of lawsuits that Joe Dollin passes around like mints, but GO FUCK YOURSELF, JOE DOLLIN AND YOUR FUCKING LAWYER( who has, no doubt, even heard of you!)

How's that for a response you violent, psychiatric and dangerous , drug adled fuck?

DO NOT come to MY blog threatening me after how you have been hacking my pc for 3 mths, erasing /editting and fabricating mails ,notwithstanding the other myriad of abuses you have obsessively hurled at me in an attempt to bully me off the sphere, you sexually deviant nutter.

I WILL continue to defend my good name wherever I see your pathological lies being spun about me!

You are even more crazy/nasty/deluded/psychopathic than I even suspected if you think you have a snowball's chance in Hell of bringing any action against me. You have so thoroughly jeopardised any case you ever dreamt you had , you obsessive ,woman- abusing little bastard!

ONE LAST TIME- GET.SERIOUS.HELP.NOW!!!

*I guess Crushed did not like having his name mentioned in his comment section, but he thinks he can splash my name and location on his blog posts at whim. Legally, this is non-verbal consent for me to do the same.

Also, a solicitor/police give direction to a Barrister or QC, not the client. They 're not your prostitutes, where YOU direct the show, you know.And I doubt they work for hits of Ex , you freak!

Don't you know anything about the law, you twit!?

P.S I lied- 5 inches would never have been enough!

Now, nearly a year after it's been over , kindly FUCK OFF !!!!!!